| Your Light Will Forever Shine... |
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| 01:27pm 16/11/2006 |
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mood:  content
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"When I recovered from her death in the crudest sense I started to see her in the streets, always fleetingly, ahead of me, her back to me, disappearing into the crowd. I am told this is common. I see her still, though less often, and still for a second believe it is her. I have from time to time found something of hers among my possessions. Always something trivial. Once I opened an old notebook and a slip of paper fell out, pristine, the ink firm not faded. She had left it at my seat in the British Library five years earlier. It was an invitation to coffee at four o'clock. I'll get my coat and a handful of small change and meet you in the crowded cafe and you'll be there today won't you, won't you?
'You'll get over it...' It's the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You dont get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?
I've thought a lot about death recently, the finality of it, the argument ending in mid-air. One of us hadn't finished, why did the other one go? And why without warning? Even death after long illness is without warning. The moment you had prepared for so carefully took you by storm. The troops broke through the window and snatched the body and the body is gone. The day before the Wednesday last, this time a year ago, you were here and now you're not. Why not? Death reduces us to the baffled logic of a small child. If yesterday why not today? And where are you?
Fragile creatures of a small blue planet, surrounded by light years of silent space. Do the dead find peace beyond the rattle of the world? What peace is there for us whose best love cannot return them even for a day? I raise my head to the door and think I will see you in the frame. I know it is your voice in the corridor but when I run outside the corridor is empty. There is nothing I can do that will make any difference. The last word was yours.
The fluttering in the stomach goes away and the dull waking pain. Sometimes I think of you and I feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded, drunk on champagne. All the things we did. And if anyone had said this was the price I would have agreed to pay it. That surprises me; that with the hurt and the mess comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it. Love is worth it."
J.W. |
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| im sooo confuuuuuuuuuuuused... |
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| 03:17am 13/03/2006 |
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mood:  determined music: hawthorne heights
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wheresmybabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... hahahhahshaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahah.
working my way.. towards being with.. the living.
leveling out. taking control.
leaving this place. this life.
learning a better way.
so i needed some help...
but im crawling to my feet.
im going to love life...
i can almost feel it.
i pray it stays its course.
shedding this skin.
this awful.calloused.livingdead.skin.
dear black... goodbye.
dont forget to right.
ive been waiting. for so long.
to make it on my own.
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| lately. |
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| 03:22pm 10/01/2006 |
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mood: good music: a perfect circle
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she reminds me of contentment. of happiness.
she takes me to a place.. it feels like i havent been in ages.
even as everything spins around us.
all i can see are her eyes.
i ask her "why?"
and this is her response...
Because your skin is so soft it makes me melt inside
Every time I touch you
When I look into your eyes I can see
that down deep beneath the surface there's this incredible place that I
want to get to, and stay there forever
Because when you smile at me, it makes me feel like I'm worth something, and that there's nothing I can't do.
You inspire things in me that i thought had completely died a long time ago.
Because you are so completely beautiful (inside and out)
and you are so smart and talented it makes me want to be a better person so that I might deserve you
Because all the pain I've ever felt
in my life i can see reflected in your eyes, and I feel that I am
connected to you on a level that I can't even understand, much less
explain.
Because I never believed that true happiness existed until i held you in my arms and actually felt it myself.
and just as much as she reassures me.. my minds chime in..
first the inevitable doubt.
i know im not worth it to you.
so ill leave it alone.
even though it kills me
every time you avoid my eyes.
i dont want to see you torn.
maybe im just afraid because
i know its my side thats so weak.
that eventually it will give in.
and youll follow the path of least resistance.
i dont blame you.
but i dont want to feel that.
i dont want to be let down again.
because the things you say
lift away whats constant in me.
and i love every moment of that reprieve.
but i cant ask you to stay.
i cant expect you constantly.
but i cant deny this.
my heart feels ready to explode.
the fullness of it makes me weak.
useless in a way.
incapable of reason-
unable to organize or direct this energy i feel into anything but this unrelenting pounding in my chest.
Pain- yearning for more... but the hunger seems insatiable.
i can still feel your lips. taste them.
and it kills me.
makes me crazy for your touch.
so weak and powerless. over you.
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| im not myself... |
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| 12:43pm 02/11/2005 |
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i hate the loneliness of this city.
i hate it that sometimes i need people here.. and no one here needs me.
i hate it that i feel like a burden sometimes..
i hate what i do to myself.. but its the only thing that helps.
i need some help.. but no one wants to help me..
sitting on the crunchy bed at netcare last night.. ... this is what i wrote...
whisper. restraints. restrain me.
good to hear. comfort. comforting.
just set me up. just clear a place for me.
investigate. poke. prod. disect.
do what you must to fix this mess.
analyze me. diagnose me. treat me.
treat me better than i treat myself.
treat me before i treat myself.
i feel like the world is caving in.
like my head might explode. implode.
these thoughts of darkness-
my mind wont seem to part with them.
these cuts arent severe- enough.
never enough.
the blade- never sharp enough.
the blood- never red enough.
suprised its not black with the death thats inside.
suprised it doesnt reek of rotten flesh.
i am my own worst enemy.
im at odds with myself. and i AM winning.
its darker now- than it ever was.
and there is no end in sight.
no light at the end of this tunnel.
no luminous angelic being reaching out to help me.
the blood stops the tears.
the pain lessens the dull aching in my heart. in my head.
lifeless.
life less. less than life.
without life.
YOU DONT UNDERSTAND.
i cant remember who i was before this black wave... |
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| still... |
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| 01:12pm 04/10/2005 |
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mood:  bitchy music: m.k. gallina
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here.
lonely.
living.
dying.
frustrated.
cant sleep.
unmotivated.
sick.
hopeful. or at least trying to be.
dirty. |
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| when you were mine.... |
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| 05:54pm 21/08/2005 |
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i feel so pathetic.. standing in the window.. sun shining on me.. crying.
tears for what ive lost.. what i cant get back. what i dont want anymore. tears for her hurt.. because i know it hurts..
crying because the past is just that. and everything is so different now.
crying because i just want to be alone.. because i know no one has time for me.. no one can make me happy...
they sit and watch me drown.
its the random people.. i run into.. who think they have some sort of sense.. of whats going on..
fuck you. you have no idea. dont fucking sit there and tell me everyone has problems.. that its normal to be unhappy sometimes. that ill get over it. that im too pretty to not smile. fuck you. you fucking fuck. you dont know.
sometimes i feel like theres glue.. or something keeping me in bed. or on the floor.. or in the bathtub. sometimes i just feel like i cant move anymore.
but im still here. so fuck you. |
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| forget her. |
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| 04:20am 11/08/2005 |
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While this town's busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
She'll never change her ways.
Don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
And my heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will
To forget her, somehow.
I think I've forgotten her now.
Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her, was sober with no place to go.
Don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.
Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
all of my pain when I think back to when.
Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
the smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over you won't ever need her again.
But don't fool yourself,
she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
as I try to find the will
to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.
Oh She was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still
as I try to find the will
to forget you, somehow.
Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now. |
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| very early in my life it was too late... |
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| 04:12am 25/07/2005 |
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and suddenly, as he noted the fine shades of manner by which she harmonized herself with her surroundings, it flashed on him that, to need such adroit handling, the situation must indeed be desperate...
it was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry- school, homework, girlfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general- but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place.
she is the rain,
waits in it for you,
finds blood spotting her legs
from the long ride.
i myself am hell.
now its raining its pouring
the old man is snoring.
now i lay me down to sleep
i hear the sirens in the street.
all my dreams are made of chrome
i have no way to get back home.
id rather die before i wake
like marilyn monroe,
and throw my dreams out in the street
and the rain make em grow. |
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| if i only could... |
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| 03:26am 27/05/2005 |
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mood:  disappointed music: high street traffic.... ladies 80's at skullys
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It doesn't hurt me.
You want to feel how it feels?
You want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
You want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You,(be running up that hill)
You and me. (be running up that hill)
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...
You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby
Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, (be running up that hill)
you and me. (be running up that hill)
You and me won't be unhappy.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...
"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
2x
"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill." |
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| 02:37pm 07/05/2005 |
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youre fooling me too.
singing in my ear..
sweating. |
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| new myspace pics... |
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| 07:51pm 01/05/2005 |
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mood: aggravated music: man your own jackhammer.. man your battle statiooooooooons..
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check out my boobs.
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=2538398&imageID=99486939&Mytoken=20050501163144 |
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| 05:51am 01/05/2005 |
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mood: depressed music: c+c (thanks to martha)
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the tears wont stop.
though im not sure what theyre for. or who.
deep breaths on the way home.
trying to collect myself.
what tears me apart.
the shallow sobs.
grinding teeth.
im so tired of this.
i want out.
no place to run.
my heart hurts.
so much dishonesty.
so much.. i love you.
i cant breathe.
i never could. i guess.
i hate having to translate this code.
and you just wont let me go.
thats what kills me. |
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| sic transit gloria |
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| 01:18am 21/04/2005 |
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mood:  hot music: would it kill you to change the roll??
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face flushed.
palms sweating.
waiting.
for...
an instance without this heaviness.
without knowing..
that im last in line.
welcoming this emptiness.
waiting..
for these feelings to be real.
to have something i can hold.
labored breath.
one last time.
push me away.
glory fades. |
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| ow. my head. |
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| 01:53pm 17/04/2005 |
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mood: i gotta poop. music: jeff hanson
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I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
unseen.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.
Yeah...
Yeah...
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me, yeah... |
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| new slang |
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| 03:33pm 09/04/2005 |
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mood:  envious music: colin hay
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3:36 pm
Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, i don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.
And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.
New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and i'm lonely.
And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.
God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.
I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.
trying to stay busy.. as to avoid dealing with ... life. |
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| keep your chin up... |
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| 06:06pm 17/03/2005 |
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mood: sore music: some kind of mix. mo pro.
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she said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short.
~s.p.
we all fall down.
all the time. i miss her. and i miss her.
this is a story of burning bridges and allowing time to pass.
forgiveness and breaking things in my hands.
understanding.. you cant choose who you love.
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i wish you could have been there for the sun and the rain and the long, hard hills.
for the sound of a thousand conversations scattered along the road.
for the people laughing and crying and remembering at the end.
but, mainly, i wish you could have been there.
~s.p.
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i am thankful every day for the exceptional women i have in my life. the ones who have been there when i needed them. and that love me.. even when im crazy. the ones i could never replace.. never forget. my meim. my smelly. my daner jo. my mo. my chelle belle. my taryn. my mighty. my luz. my lil one. my danielle.
this is for them.
when you're hurt.. you heal others.
when youre in need, you give.
because of you.. i am living the most that i can live.
oh sweet darlin girl..
im so glad you found me.
oh sweet darlin girl..
your power surrounds me.
remember me. dont forget me.
i have something true.
my path is dark, my steps uncertain... unless i walk with you.
oh sweet darlin girl..
im so glad you found me.
oh sweet darlin girl..
your power surrounds me.
your power.. your power.
you speak to me without speaking.
you touch so i can feel.
with your strength i am stronger.
at last i know im real.
oh sweet darlin girl..
im so glad you found me.
oh sweet darlin girl..
your power surrounds me.
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i hope you know what you mean to me...
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and if i could open up to you... maybe i could open you up.
i think about how it might have been...
wed spend our days travelin...
its not that i dont understand you.
its not that i dont want to be with you.
but you only wanted me.. the way you want me.
so ill head out alone and hope for the best.
im gone and youre still there.
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i was waiting for such a long time, she said. i thought you forgot.
its hard to forget, i said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone.
~s.p.
sometimes i think im okay... but it all changes when i remember my heart is gone...
when i first met her, i knew in a moment i would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there'd be room for her to stay.
~s.p. |
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emocowgirl's journal
tired
hannah banana.
